Personified musical notes C, D, E, F, G, A, and B are standing in an empty space. The scene is contrived as in a Monty Python sketch. Dedicated to my 3rd grade teacher, Ms. Nikatokus. 

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C: I am C. I am the most important note. All other notes resolve to me. F and B, go forth and do my bidding. 

 

(F and B resolve to E and C.  E is unimpressed. C spins in ecstasy.) 

 

G to A: He always does this 

 

A: I know, so annoying. 

 

C: WHAT WAS THAT!? 

 

A and G: Nothing! 

 

(enter F#) 

 

F#: Hey guys, sorry I’m late. 

 

G: Ah HA! Now I am the most important note! All notes resolve to me! 

 

C: What!? This is an all natural tonality! 

 

F#: Hey man, that’s tonalist. Not cool. 

 

C: It’s not tonalist! That’s just the way things are in the key of C! 

 

F#: You don’t want me here because I am a black key!

 

C: No! No.. I, but... but... On a violin, black keys don’t even exist! 

 

F: Hey! What about me!? 

 

G: You’re out! See ya! (G begins to push F off stage) 

 

(enter Bb) 

 

Bb: Not so fast! 

 

F: (shaking G off) AhHA! Now I am the most important note! 

 

F#: Not while I’m here. 

 

Bb: This is a flat tonality now. I am planting a flag! 

 

F#: Are we going to have problems? 

 

Bb: Do you see this flag? Of course we're going to have problems.

 

F#: We’re the black keys! We have to stick together! 

 

Bb: Key color is just a social construct. If you want to stay, you have to become a flat. 

 

(Collective outrage) 

 

B: (snarkily) Wouldn’t it be g flat… right guys?... guys? 

 

(low patter, B sighs) 

 

Bb: (To B) Maybe if you weren’t so busy resolving to C, you would have your own tonality by now. 

 

B: Oh yeah? Just wait until the other sharps show up. 

 

Bb: What other sharps? (To F#) Seriously though, you would sound exactly the same, all that would change is what we call you. 

 

F: Yeah, that’s a good point... (realizing) Hey wait a second! I am in charge of this tonality right now and I say only one flat allowed! 

 

A: Shut up F. You’re not in charge and no one likes you. 

 

F: What!? 

 

A: You heard me. 

 

F: You’re just jealous because I control the IV chord in C Major. You report to me! 

 

A: The IV chord is overrated. 

 

F: Overrated! Are you kidding?! 

 

A: D is closer to C. 

 

D: I am staying out of this. 

 

C: A has a point... (G nods in agreement) 

 

F: But if F# becomes Gb, that won’t even be a recognized tonality. There would be an extra note! 

 

E: Well, it depends on what country you’re in... In Hindustani ragas there’s a much more nuanced... 

 

F#: (interrupting) Yeah there would be an extra note– YOU! Like A said, no one likes you and you do a bad job managing the IV chord in C Major! 

 

(Everyone mutters in agreement) 

 

F: You can’t be flat... 

 

Bb: I’m Bb! 

 

(excessive blinking) 

 

F: ... (frustrated) No, (to F#) you can’t become G flat without A, E and D flat. You need them here first. 

 

(enter C#) 

 

C#: Hey everyone, you would not believe the traffic! Phew! I nearly had a major breakdown out there. 

 

A: (Angrily) Is that supposed to be funny!? 

 

C#: Err... I was just ... 

 

B: Gentlemen, gentlemen, let’s keep things well-tempered here... 

 

(Collective outrage) 

 

A: (Demanding) Where is G#? 

 

C#: (Looking around) You mean he’s not here yet? 

 

A: (aggravated, muttering) Probably in a bar somewhere…

 

E: (To D) Looks like you’re in charge now. 

 

D: Of this mess? Nope! I’m an Atonalist. 

 

A: Yes! Ok so... 

 

D: What!? No! I mean where all notes are equal. 

 

C#: (swarmy, like a mobster) Listen, D… If we kick Bb out and G# stays stuck in traffic, we’ll be in harmony. 

 

E: All in favor of putting D in charge say, “Aye.” 

 

(Everyone says AYE) 

 

G: (pushing F offstage) Great! We’ll call you if we need a #9 extension. 

 

A: Good riddance. 

 

C#: (To C) You’re out too! 

 

D: What did I just say about equality! 

 

(Enter G#) 

 

G#: Finally! Why do tones always slow down to look at accidentals? 

 

(Collective outrage)